There is still beauty in the dark

TMI happening here - be warned.

As some of you know the past couple months, my life, as it often does flipped itself upside down.. It’s been a rather long run of interesting and slightly annoying events intermixed with an emotion that I haven’t felt in quite sometime: RAGE!

Back story - a year ago I was told from what most of you deem a beloved “free clinic” that I had a high grade strain of precancerous cells on my cervix. They in turn prescribed a procedure to prevent the stated inevitable cervical cancer. Being me, skeptical and obviously uninsured I opted to NOT jump into getting this “minimally invasive” thing done where they scrape and chop my cervix... thanks, NO THANKS!

Months later after a biopsy that was said to be near painless, but effected me for weeks, I was still having episodes of abdominal pain. I had started attributing my discomfort to said diagnosis...It began to fill up my head space with the idea that I probably was in the stage of developing cancer. I had a layer of understated worry that I needed to finally figure out how I was going to do that.

I spoke with planned parenthood... they told me to venture into a city that makes my skin crawl and for just six hundred some odd dollars they’d do said procedure. To me this translated to: you give us money and we will gladly hurt you.... right or wrong the way I was spoken to in the phone as well as subsequent reflection there wasn’t a shot in hell I was going there!

Flash forward to January, I ended up in the emergency room with debilitating pain - pain that invoked a numbness that reduced me to tears and a trembling weak physical body. To a fault, I pride myself in having a high pain tolerance and when I reach a threshold my body actually shuts down the sensors so I can’t feel anything. When that happens and I start producing tears with seemingly no symptoms... that is my “oh fuck” moment.

I was put through the most torturous ultra sound that very literally knocked the wind out of me and made to wait while the results were sent out. I was bleeding and annoyed at peoples general lack of compassion. I was later sent home with antibiotics, told the blood just looked like it was left over from my monthly cycle and a diagnosis of a possible hemorrhagic ovarian cyst. I was strongly instructed though to follow up with a doctor the next day.

Being still uninsured at that point and frustrated with our system it took me the entire morning to find a doctor to see me. The universe, I will say, is always kind to me and directs me to exactly where I need to be. I ended up at Dover Women’s health where I was seen by a surgeon. The Dr. was furious they sent me home and apologized as she redid my ultrasound because the hospital images were so poorly done. After a brief ultrasound she confirmed what she thought and booked me for emergency surgery-I was to meet her at the local hospital immediately.

My left Fallopian tube had swelled to 10x it’s normal size wrapped completely around my ovary and had ruptured. I also had 3 hemorrhaging cysts on the suffocated ovary. I had been internally bleeding for quite sometime. Which explained the burning sensations I would often get- it was explained to me that when you are internally bleeding it’s like battery acid on your insides... fun.

My wonderful new doctor did what she could in the operating room but also came across a the fact that I was riddled with endometriosis. I was taken out of an emergency situation, but more surgery was needed and a possible recommendation for a hysterectomy was briefly mentioned.

I was sent home same day for recovery. Four days of opiate pain meds and a endless supply of ibuprofen 800s. I have such a hard time with pills... they mess with my natural chemical composition and combo that with weeks of not being able to practice Yoga or any physical activity in the way I was used and my patience, tolerance and general demeanor shifted more than I like to admit.

I was 3 weeks post op dealing with my intolerable mental state and medical paperwork. I was trying to maintain my overall well being and failing at it pretty epically when I received the notice that I needed to fill out 12 months worth of self employment worksheets or complete my self employment taxes for 2019 in 4 days or I would be disqualified for coverage. Needless to say I lost my mind. I hadn’t felt that amount of upset for years. It was like a caged Tiger being let out of captivity and their captor standing in front of her with a shot gun. Furious and eager to rip the throat out of the one who had destroyed her life, but would risk her life if she attacked. That feeling lingered for days....

I pulled it together successfully completed my taxes and went back and forth to the degrading office that is the Rochester health and human services until I finally was approved for health care this past week. The sweet relief of being done at least for this year was a little bit of a reprieve, but I string reminder on why I’m not political - I can’t handle the injustice and can’t keep my shit together about it!

In the midst of this, I picked up my health records from the “free (not free) clinic” and was going to drop them off to my surgeon for my next surgery. If I did indeed also need the procedure for my cervix she would do it while I was already under. I flipped through to see my biopsy result - low grade abnormality - suggested B complex for immune support. I once again went into RAGE! For a solid year I was called and harassed to get an UNNECESSARY procedure and was refused a follow up exam to see if it was “still necessary”. The fear tactics they used are insane!

I got my results Friday from my latest test - no cervix abnormalities. There is no need for any added procedures. Although the relief of knowing I don’t have to do more damage to my already suffering girl parts the anger of being told I would have cancer if I didn’t do what they said over and over and over again infuriated me to no end.

Our healthcare system is beyond broken it’s inhumane! How do you fight something that has a shotgun pointed at you? How do we fix something so damaged? The endless resentment, anger and hurt was festering....

In the near future I’m scheduled surgery. It’s for a more complete clean out of any left over disease and I will be tested to see if my other tube is viable...

What does that mean? Well it determines whether or not I can have children - most of you know that children has never been in my life plan. I never needed a baby to be fulfilled. However, deciding not to have children and being told you can’t have them are two completely different things so as I gain my bearings back on my mental balance I have an under lying layer of biological upset.

Finally add in the mix the Yogi Bhajan scandal and the witnessing of my community ripping each other apart for having different opinions. The allegations themselves didn’t hurt me as much as it did to see the deterioration of people’s faith. We are all human.

As I watched my duality, and that of everyone - I was reminded that we live on a polarity planet and with great healing comes great pain and with great pain comes great healing.

This is only a reminder to be kind. This is a reminder to listen... sometimes the greatest gift you can give them is an ear - advice isn’t always helpful or wanted. Listening is so powerful! Practice it - because when you need it, you’ll want a accomplished listener.

It is also my deepest gratitude to those who stood by impossible attitude these past months. I am human and as much as I strive to be my best human, I fall too and need a hand.

My sincere apologies for all who are hurting, for ANY reason and that you are not alone, your emotions are valid and you deserve peace.

Like it or or hate it, life goes one and there is still beauty in the dark.
Feel everything because when you do it goes, when you push it down that’s when it becomes unmanageable. All pain brings wisdom.

Why the need to share?? .... just because.

By Jennifer Mercier--aka Ong Kar Dev, incredible woman and human.